


Anxious Minds and Ivory Tunes

by K347



Category: Evanstan - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Overthinking, Piano, RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27417037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K347/pseuds/K347
Summary: It’s an anxious day. It’s been some anxious few months actuallyBut worrying about it is not going to make any of that process faster. It isn’t helping. Honestly, the overthinking and agonizing is spoiling this very moment at the present. Torturing minds and giving rise to the worst fears and nightmares.That’s exactly what he had been rambling about non-stop, when Chris abruptly stood up and announced he’s going for a walk. Alone.Leaving the warm house to go for a stroll in the chilly boston weather outside.Going away from Sebastian .***Anxious minds make up the worst thoughts and sometimes the best distractions don't need to have any words at all
Relationships: Chris Evans/Sebastian Stan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Anxious Minds and Ivory Tunes

He stares out of the beautiful window of the house for what feels like the millionth time in the last fifteen minutes. He’s looking for his boyfriend. 

Feeling a bit alone and lost in this big house. It seems even more huge to him this time around because he’s been living in hotel rooms and vanity vans, trailers for past several weeks thanks to the filming of their disney plus show. He booked a flight straight to Massachusetts as soon as the shoot wrapped up. Not wanting to spend another minute apart from Chris. So here he is now. _But Chris isn’t._ He’s on a long walk to clear his mind. And Sebastian is trying his best to do the same, but failing miserably at it.

He takes a deep breath in. To let the feeling of being here again sink in properly. It’s been a while since he had visited Chris in Boston last time. The busy schedules and then a global pandemic keeping them apart for much longer than both of them had expected to be.

He looks around again, this time inside the house, trying to search desperately for the comforts of home and a safe place. Not that he doesn’t find it here. It’s just a lot easier when Chris is there with him. Without Chris, the place just feels like an empty nest to Sebastian.

That’s not fair though.This house has a lot of ‘Chris’ elements to it. It is old-fashioned and has a vintage look but in the best way possible. Nicely built and warm. Gives you a solid feel of protection. Speaks volumes about itself, even the vulnerable secrets, if you are keen enough to listen. 

All the old, longevous stories that it hides and preserves. Keeps alive, safely protected in the walls. It’s been renovated, of course. A lot of new facilities and accommodations were added on later. They only enhance its beauty though, making sure the place doesn’t lose its authentic, natural charm. The white kitchen cabinets, a fire palace, simple-sober furniture and a typical suburban boston interior design. It's elegant and classy. But not in an intimidating manner. More in a warm, cozy, homely one…This place is the very definition of what a home is supposed to look like.

It doesn’t _feel_ like it though. _Not right now._ Not when Sebastian knows Chris is out there letting his mind run in all the wild directions, fearful thoughts gathering in it that will haunt him and Seb is stuck in here alone. Torn in between desperately wanting to run out, grab Chris, kiss away all the anxieties and an urge to be understanding, be patient, give Chris his much deserved space, not interrupt and make things worse.

It’s an anxious day. It’s been some anxious few months actually But it's the peak of all that built up tension and worry, hope and curiosity is reaching new heights with each passing second. It would be utterly foolish to think that they’re the only ones going through it. 

Sebastian is pretty sure the whole country, even majority of the world maybe is super tense and holding their breaths for the final result. Waiting and praying to everything possible for the nightmare to be over. To finally be able to take a step forward as a whole nation, in a sane, thoughtful direction again. But worrying about it is not going to make any of that process faster. It isn’t helping. Honestly, the overthinking and agonizing is spoiling this very moment at the present. Torturing minds and giving rise to the worst fears and nightmares. 

It is distracting and encompassing. Not in a pleasant way. Instead in the most harrowing manner possible. That’s exactly what he had been rambling about non-stop, when Chris abruptly stood up and announced he’s going for a walk. Alone. Leaving the warm house to go for a stroll in the chilly boston weather outside. Going away from _him._

Before Sebastian (too stunned and dumbstruck because of being cut off from his mindless babbling) even had a chance to reply,Chris had walked inside the bedroom to collect dodger and his leash and then opened the door to let himself out. 

Sebastian, (to his utter embarrassment now), being the desperate and clingy person that he is, had then leaped towards his boyfriend.

Held the door midway. 

Too afraid to put any of his queries in words but eyes wide and heavy with scary thoughts, afraid that he’d somehow managed to bore Chris out of his mind, troubled him enough that the man was running out to find an escape from his own house. All because of Sebastian and his inability to stop rambling about overthinking and its consequences. ( What an irony though, because his own rant was a product of fear, anxiety and the same overthinking habits he was so authoritatively trying to talk Chris out of).

Chris, bless his beautiful, kind heart, had made a point to reassure him with chaste kisses placed to the lips. Big, warm hands caressing Seb’s face and softly whispering, _“Just going for a walk baby. To clear out the noise in my mind. Don’t worry, I’m not alone. Your personal Detective Dodge will be trooping around and keeping a good watch on me.”_

With one last kiss placed on Sebastian’s forehead, Chris had walked out and that’s when...When he requested in that pathetic, desperate voice which sounded so much more like Sebastian’s deepest insecurities than his regular, normal self.

 _“But you’ll come back soon, right? Come back home? Don’t wander off too far. Please. Promise me.”_ That might sound like a normal thing to say to any outsider’s ear. But the way he had said it, Sebastian is sure Chris picked up on the deeper meaning of that statement. 

That’s probably why Chris had turned again, walked back to the door to give him a proper hug this time, running fingers through Sebastian’s hair and said “I promise.” out loud, before sealing it with another kiss placed on Seb's lips. That might have done wonders to ease his mind a little bit in that moment, but as soon as a couple more minutes passed and he watched his boyfriend disappear, going further and further away from his eyes, Sebastian’s worries and thoughts took a much more steep and turned darker and dangerous.

What if all of this was also his fault? Was it just the election results that were stressing Chris out? Or was it also because of Sebastian and his unannounced trip to Boston?

Sure Chris had been very excited to see him three days ago when Seb showed up at the gate, with enough bags packed to stay there for half a year if needed.

But what if Chris thinks it is too much too soon right now? Sebastian should have at least talked to Chris first instead of behaving like a love-sick puppy and coming here without any warning. Another addition in Chris' already increasing responsibilities. long list of things to take care of.

Chris is already so busy, working so hard and passionately on his new venture. Sebastian shouldn't have burdened him like this. Chris assures him from time to time that he _likes_ taking care of Sebastian. Feels honoured and privileged for getting the chance to do so. But it doesn't mean Sebastian should take advantage of him. Chris is just naturally that person. Always taking the lead, feeling the need to be a protector

Is he overestimating the status, the seriousness of their relationship?Sure they have known each other for a whole decade now. And they confessed their years-long, unrequited (now reciprocated) love just two months in. But still, it's only been a year and a half into their relationship. Is he pushing it too far? Is he overbearing? Is Chris tired of him already? Was it really the voting count and constant up and down, close competition of the scale that Chris wanted to clear his mind from? Or was it their relationship and Sebastian? 

Oh god, he is going to lose it all again, isn't he? 

Sebastian’s not sure he’ll be able to handle that heartbreak. Can’t do it. Not after crushing so hard, pining for years, then finally getting a taste of something he had craved for a decade, only to have it all snatched away from him too soon. It's not fair. But when has life been fair anyway? Isn't it what always happens? All good things come to an end. Is this their end?

NO. The optimistic, tangibly sane part of his mind fights back furiously. Somewhere deep inside, Sebastian knows these thoughts don't hold any meaning or real importance. It's just his anxiety and emotional exhaustion speaking. 

He’s not thinking rationally at the moment.

Too many thoughts and worries. Problems already going on in the world, they are also present in his mind, have been since the moment they turned on the news and he is projecting all of that onto their relationship and everything happening around him.

He needs to stop. Calm down. Focus on something else.

Looking out of the window again, he can make out the distant figure of Chris’ tall frame walking leisurely. Along with an image of a bouncing dodger who keeps stopping at random spots to chase off the butterflies and then hurries up and runs forward to catch up with his companion. They have not wandered off too far. 

Just as Chris had promised him. Correction. Just as Sebastian had _made_ Chris promise him. 

They don’t actually need to go too far in search of a peaceful surrounding though. Chris’ boston house is in the middle of nowhere. Not too much of a residential area to be honest. It’s just surrounded by trees and open spaces. Long yards and gorgeous scenery. It’s perfect and beautiful. 

Maybe that's why Chris thinks he belongs here. 

And maybe just maybe...he also thinks that Seb doesn't. Maybe Chris thinks Sebastian belongs in the hustle-bustle of NYC, tangled in all of his new contracts and movie-offers. New projects and back to back shooting schedules. Not in this nice, warm home ruining the peaceful environment by his unstable nature and recently too busy of a life.

Does Chris resent him? For not taking time off? For not making their relationship the first priority? Chris, this connection that they share, their love for eachother... It really is the most important thing in the world to Sebastian. But actions speak louder than words, don’t they? Seb’s actions are not implying that. Not properly explaining, not honestly conveying just how much all of this means to him. That's probably why Chris is so frustrated. 

The election results are just an added bonus. 

Chris is pissed because of Sebastian. Doesn't want to deal with his neediness. Constant seeking of validation.

 _Oh great._ His mind is continuing its spiralling path down the negativity tunnel again.This whole live updates with every minute thing really has fucked up with his brain huh? Whatever he thinks about, turns into a worse version of itself somehow. Sebastian needs to find a distraction. Fast. Maybe he should complete that documentary he had left unfinished in the flight. Maybe give his mother a call again. 

Mobile. Yeah, he needs his Mobile phone to do that. He's searching for it. Starts scrambling around the drawing room. 

That's when he turns around and comes face to face with the big, beautiful grand upright piano. Sitting quietly in the corner of the room. Big and beautiful. Neatly polished. The fallboard and the lid are open for some reason. 

As if inviting Sebastian. Pleading him to grace the instrument and let some beautiful harmonies out. Fill out that void he feels with soothing tunes of music.

To be honest, he's never been too good at it. Didn't inherit the skilled-pianist genes. He can, however, carry a tune. But it's limited to just that.

He's not as decent at playing it as Chris is. 

Chris.

God, Chris looks so perfect sitting in front of it. His huge hands, long fingers moving around with ease, finding their place on the instrument like it's their second home. Lips pouting and eyes shining. He looks the happiest and at his most peaceful then.

When he's more articulately expressing things on the piano than he does with words. ( Which is a _huge_ compliment, since Chris is also has a way with words. An eloquent speaker. Always knows all the perfect things to say.)

There's _literally nothing_ that the man can't do. He's one of those people who is annoyingly good at everything he tries. But also plays it down. Always running away from compliments. Finding a way around to joke about it instead of accepting them.

Humility. Another one of his favorite things about Chris. Sebastian has always been so involuntarily attracted to that trait. Hypnotised and amazed by it.

It was probably the first thing he noticed about Chris. Back in 2010. When they were shooting the first Captain America film. 

Chris was always so humble, so nice to everyone. Was unsure about signing a six movie contract because he didn't want o lose his privacy, anonymity. Wished to live a silent, peaceful life. Didn't want get lost in the glamour and buzz of the industry.Very clear and focused. Knowing exactly what he wants in life. Talented, gorgeous and incredibly generous. Sebastian knows that's exactly when he had started to fall in love with Chris. A decade ago. Hasn't been able to get back up since. Doesn't want to.

Chris is as close to human perfection as someone could get. Literally the most amazing guy in the entire world.

Right now, if he was here, Chris would again be his polite self and create a distraction from his astonishing skills being praised by Sebastian. He would probably do something goofy like scolding Seb for using the word ‘literally' in the wrong place. Raise his eyebrows with the ‘cute-english-professor-frown' as Seb likes to call it. Pout first and then erupt into another one of his left-boob-grabbing heartfelt laughs. Freaking nerd. Grammar geek. 

The thoughts of Happy Chris make him smile again. Mind now finally focusing on the nice and sunshiny parts instead of the dull ones. 

Hmm.

Thinking about Chris and his adorable habits helps. Remembering Chris’ favorite things and savoring them has a calming effect on Sebastian. Nice. Good Strategy. He’ll remember it for next time. Make a habit of doing it more often than he already does.

Right now, he decides to combine that realisation with the Bösendorfer piano in front of him. Black and white keys begging to be pressed. Tunes and melodies desperate to escape, find their way out and turn this gloomy, brooding state of the house into a more pleasant one. He’ll try today. He has not played in many years. But memories of the few piano lessons taken as a hyper, overexcited kid are still fresh in his mind like they took place just yesterday. He might not have grown up to be some great music composer, but still remembers every word and instruction from his mother. Had always admired how gracefully and naturally she managed to play the instrument. 

He’ll try. 

Maybe not as good. Not as perfect. But he’ll try. For their lovely home which doesn't deserve to be sad and feel so empty. For himself. For them _._ For the sanity of their noisy brains. 

But mainly, _for Chris._

Hoping that the music will comfort him. Because obviously, right now Sebastian can't provide it very successfully all by himself. He scrolls through the phone and quickly selects the notes to one of Chris’ favorite pieces.

***

He is walking aimlessly in the woods. Doesn't even know where he’s going. What he's searching for. The walk clearly isn't helping as much as he thought it would. The news, the close competition, the constant media outlets all screwing up with his brain. Can't let him think straight for a minute.

Chris’ overthinking abilities have been charged to the highest degrees since early morning. So much, that even after waking up to the most beautiful man in the world, the love of his life half-naked in his bed, Chris had chosen to just kiss his forehead and walk away reclusively from the room. Instead of snuggling and soaking in the deep comforts of their soft sheets and Sebastian’s warmth. 

He now regrets that decision. Regrets it too much. That's when and where the day had truly shifted in the direction of going not-so-great. His brain noise is getting too loud to let any other coherent, correct thoughts be born inside. A prolonged panic attack on the verge of exploding and spilling the nervousness all over the place. 

Chris is a mess right now.

He was never proud of this part of himself. For acting like this. He hates his anxiety and the hardwiring of his brain to make up absolute worst thoughts possible at the worst times. From his very core. Doesn't like feeling all of it. Doesn’t like being this anxious, shaky, restless person. An apprehensive asshole even. Oops. He isn’t supposed to think like that, is he? Seb would nudge him in the side and give a disappointed look for using the a-hole word to describe himself.

_“Don't you dare to talk shit about my favourite Chris. Shouldn't tempt me to fight. I’ll wrestle you, you big bulky hunk. And I'll win.”_

_( “Sure, Seb. Whatever you say”. Chris jokes around teasing him.)_

_"You haven't realised the power of ‘True Love’ even after seeing all those disney flicks? What a big dumbo!”, Seb would continue their flirty, cheesy lame jokes further. Like he always does_

Sebastian’s humourous tone, sweet, fake-annoyed voice rings in his ears. Followed by the memories of his dorky laughs that Seb can't hide no matter what. The chest grabbing thing that he picked up from Chris and now keeps mirroring it all the time.

It makes him smile. The thoughts of his boyfriend. His Seb.

The same Seb whom you abruptly left alone in the house when all he was trying to do was to help you, keep you sane, calm down the brainstorm. _Chris, you fuckin’ meatball!_ His brain screams at him. Now finally fully processing and just starting to consider the possible consequences of his impulsive, stupid actions.

He left Sebastian. Alone. In their house, maybe. But still it's not fair. Chris knows Seb doesn't like being alone in there for a long time. Having stayed in his minimalistic, gorgeous, cozy & warm apartment in New York with a company of loving, caring neighbours; Seb feels a bit out of place in Chris’ large, big-ass farmhouse that he turned into his permanent residential address. 

To be honest, that house _is quite huge. Too_ much and too large for a single man in his late-thirties. With no family of his own yet. Chris himself feels a bit lost sometimes, when he cleans up and mindlessly stares at the many empty rooms inside. He makes it a habit to try and not think too much about it though. Mainly operating between the drawing room, kitchen, his master bedroom and the laundry room which is now Dodger’s territory. Most of the time in evenings, he tries to cut time by reading on the patio, watching the sunsets and trying to be still. Just present. Not think of anything else.

Especially not the haunting thoughts of how he achieved everything in life except for all the things he truly wanted. Constant internal debates and discussions about whether he’ll ever get to have what he truly wishes for. Will his innermost dreams and desires ever be fulfilled? The chances of that happening appear to be very low and almost nonexistent on such lonely, sorrowful evenings. 

All of it changes though. 

The minute Sebastian comes back here and steps into the house, all of Chris’ sad, negative thoughts full of self-pity and heartbreak take a whole new 180 degree turn.Those dreams and innermost desires don’t feel so farfetched and impossible anymore. 

The lonely house surrounded by only beautiful, serene trees and having no humans around, suddenly changes into an alive, cheerful, joyus “ _Home_ ”. The whole surrounding lights up with Seb’s laugh and his wonderfully weird, chaotic self. Chris knows for a fact that the breeze smells a bit sweeter and the swaying of trees & rumbling of leaves is more energetic, full of the joys of spring combined with the beauty of autumn. 

Everything is perfect and beautiful whenever Sebastian is around. 

He’ll drag Chris out at the weirdest hours to go on hiking. Then give up midway and whine about the ants and the long, long roads and itchy grass. Requesting breaks after every ten minutes. Chris knows Seb isn't even a bit tired.Not by the least. He’s a big muscular man who spends at least a good two hours in the gym everyday. He's got a lot of stamina and strength that Chris _is very aware of_. Enjoys and utilities it far too much. On the hike though, Seb acts like this big baby, all bumbling and jittery. Hugging trees, climbing over, jumping around, pretending to give up by flocking down himself on the huge black stones and then racing around, running ahead the minute Chris stops, trying to outreach. After that fun banter is over though, he always stays right by Chris’ side. Intertwining their fingers. Humming soft 80s melodies while both of them marvel over the beauty of nature, geek out about the mushrooms they found or that bird chirping sound that sounded strange but too familiar to the ears.

They ‘christen' every room in the mentioned big, large house. Take care of that tradition they've established themselves on Seb’s every boston trip. 

Leave nothing. No tables unturned. Figuratively and Literally. Even the patio. Backyard. Terrace. The pool. Front Lawn. Garage. Office. The trees which Seb claims are his ‘competition’ and need to know that Chris is more of a Sebastian Stan Fan than an autumn tree fan. 

Early mornings and late afternoons. Quiet evenings and wild nights. With the rising and setting sun. Under the night sky and at stargazing parties of two. They’ve might’ve actually crossed off almost everything on the list. See, there are also a lot of advantages to living in a house that is away from human residence. The stars and the woods won't whisper and parade around these beautiful secrets he shares with Sebastian to the world.

Their shared moments, that are so personal and so special, it's hard to explain it to somebody else.They’ll be etched and carved on this place though. Forever. Blind, invisible to the wandering, peepy eyes, but very much visible and striking to the sight of lovers. 

Seb fills out the otherwise empty-looking rooms and parts of their house with his enthusiasm and excitement. He runs up and down the stairs. At least ten to twenty times a day in the name of ‘working out’. Chris knows that's just his excuse for the inner child resurfacing and playing around in a big, (in Seb’s own words) ‘babe-magnet-of-a-house-for-growing-up'.

Those are the times when Chris really thanks anything and everything in the universe for this real estate decision he made. Thanks to his over optimistic, hopeless romantic self for never quite stopping to believe in miracles. He had bought the house even before him and Seb were officially a couple. They were still idiots pinning in love then. That however, hadn't been able to stop Chris from imagining their lives together in this very place while the agent gave him a house tour. 

Now all of those imagines and dreams, silent prayers have come true. Sebastian is here. A part of his life. Finally in a way that's not just platonic. 

Sebastian is here,

he came home to Chris after long days and weeks of filming, instead of going back to New York where he grew up, where all of his friends and family are. Sebastian chose to be _here_. In a small, suburban boston town with him instead of one of the biggest and most important cities, a city where Sebastian grew up and claims it to be his favorite place in the whole wide world.

_“Not anymore though”, he had told Chris over a video call a few months ago._

_“This whole quarantine disaster made me realise one very important thing. My favorite place in the world is wherever you’re next to me. New York, Boston, LA, Asia, the fucking Arctic ocean, some unknown alien planet. Anywhere. I’d follow you anywhere, Chris. It’s all perfect and great as long as we are together”_

Chris doesn’t know how to respond when Seb says things like that. He’s always too choked up with emotion so he just nods and tears up.Tries to hide his excitement and rapidly increasing heartbeats behind humourous comments. " _Aww. You are making both me and Dodger cry here. Oh, and remember to book three seats wherever you plan on eloping us to. Dodger's coming with us. We're both kind of a package deal, you know?"_

_"Sure. You and your adorable pupper. America's dream duo. Everyone's gonna be so jealous of me. Feeling pretty lucky to be graced by the presence you highnesses", Sebastian rolls his eyes on the screen._

_"We're very fortunate too. Having a handsome hunk all to ourselves. But I'm pretty sure you'd choose to leave on that alien planet anyway. With or without us. You nerd."_

Chris always manages to detract those conversations. So much he wants to say and is pretty sure his eyes give away that. He's never been good at hiding what he is feeling. Especially not from Sebastian. So he just whispers a soft "I love you", in the end. Hoping that Seb would also understand all the unspoken words and promises he wants to declare. 

It’s surprising how Chris, who is the more talkative and vocal one out of the two of them is always left speechless whenever he tries to express how he feels about Seb. Their normal talks, the bedroom shenanigans, kitchen adventures and banter, jokes...Chris is the loudest, most booming voice during all of that. The minute their conversation turns serious though, he goes silent. It's not because he is afraid to commit. In fact, it's the exact opposite of that. He's too eager, too ready for the commitment. The vows to stay together forever. He feels it too intensely in his heart. That intensity scares him. Sometimes makes him wonder how is he supposed to live if this thing between them, _doesn't_ work out. (*knock on the wood*, a habit _he_ picked up from Seb) 

Whenever he tries to express these emotions, Chris finds his words disappearing and his complex, vivid vocabulary useless. 

All the words from all the literary pieces in the world won’t be able to describe what he feels for Sebastian. It’s too strong, too passionate to say in mere syllables. It’s something primal inside him. Something that courses through his veins with adrenaline pumping in more and more with every second he thinks about it, Something that he feels is an integral part of his very existence. How is he supposed to describe that kind of love? 

He can’t.

He should though. He should at least give Seb _something_. His boyfriend, no matter how understanding he is and how well he knows Chris, isn’t a fucking mind-reader. Sebastian is too much of a sweetheart to say it out loud, but Chris knows that he’s been giving a lot of mixed signals lately. Probably confusing poor Seb to death with all the random behaviours and interactions. 

Like today.

All Seb was trying to do was make the anxious environment a little less of that. Cut through the tension.Telling Chris to not overthink and over analyse things that are not in their control. 

They’ve done all that they could. Raised awareness as much as they possibly could. Completed their duties. Now the best they could do was sit tight and hope for the best. Seb was repeating something along those lines, when he had suddenly stood up and rambled about this idea of going for a walk. And then without explaining anything further, he just walked away. 

Saw the hurt flashing across Seb’s features and did nothing about it.

He hates himself for that. Sebastian doesn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have to deal with Chris’ unpredictable mood swings and capricious nature. Not now. Not when Seb himself is so exhausted and tired from the back to back shoots and travelling across continents. All this while the threat of a global pandemic hanging over his head. It’s not fair. Not fair of the fate to let his Seb walk back and forth in the mouth of dangers like that.

Chris understands there are work commitments and contracts. Sebastian would never tone down his professionalism, his consideration for the crew, the production and the hard-work of an entire team, stuntmen, photographers, set designers, directors and all the people, random strangers about whom Seb cares and thinks so damn much. Won't let them down. 

Even if it meant putting his health at a shot of risk. 

Chris’ only small relief is that Seb is also very cautious himself. Will follow the rules and regulations to the extreme. Won’t be stupid. No matter how much he denies it, Sebastian himself has a bit of an OCD. And Chris is so fucking thankful for it.

It didn’t stop him from worrying though. Whenever Seb was filming, and they would talk over video calls, he’d always inquire and sternly order even. Boss around Sebastian and tell him to take care of himself.Stay hydrated. Take the daily vitamins. Get enough sleep.

Seb always brushed off those concerns. Tried to lighten up the mood.

_“Will do, Cap.”_

_“Okay, Chris. Let me stop you right there. You’re sounding like a concerned midwife right now.”_

_“I heard you Chris. I knowww. Yes. I promise I’m taking care of myself.”_

_“You know I think it’s really really concerning that my boyfriend and my mom both have the exact same type of conversations with me on the phone. Maybe I should ring up my therapist again.”_

Always joking around, trying to ease Chris’ anxieties and worries even when he was thousands of miles away. Taking care of Chris. When it should be the other way around. Chris should be the one comforting Seb. Making sure he's feeling nice and loved all the time. That's what he had vowed to do, didn't he?

Chris hasn’t been good enough lately. 

Who is he kidding? He probably never was. He could never be. Never good enough for Sebastian.He’s been trying though. Trying his best since the very first day to improve. To be better. If not the best guy in the world, at least be the best version of himself. As good and perfect as he can get. For Seb.

Always trying his hardest to be the nice, caring partner that Sebastian deserves to have. 

Chris always made a mental checklist of things to remind himself for that. He's been trying to not screw this up. Making consistent efforts towards it.In the last couple days though? Not so much. Lately Chris has been distracted and miserably failing at his mission to take care of Sebastian. 

Seb looked tired and rough when he came home to give Chris a surprise. Like he had seen better days. Looked so drained. And yet seemed so happy, his eyes positively glowing because of being back here. With Chris.

Chris had been so honored by that realisation. Couldn’t believe his lucky stars. Wanted to scream from the rooftops and to the whole world how much he loves Sebastian. And scream even louder that Seb loves right back. Even more maybe. With more devotion, nurturing, dedication and so much more selflessly than Chris would ever be capable of.

Sebastian loves him. Has promised to be by his side no matter what happens. 

And Chris behaved selfishly. Just like he always does. Chris had gone and taken it for granted. 

Taken Seb and his constant caring, his immense love _for granted_. Forgotten to make this gorgeous, sweet man feel special,loved and taken care of. 

Chris has been too busy with his new political website, new meetings and seminars everyday. Cooped up in his office and worrying over a lot of things.Very Important things of course. Trying to improve their platform. Suggestions and improvements for a better, more smoothly running system with their tech team. Detailed debates, discussions and the difficult tasks of hashing out facts from the heap of bullshit politicians like spewing around. It’s all been very stressful. It’s for an important cause. This project is something Chris is really proud of. Probably his best professional achievement.

But that doesn’t mean he should have ignored Seb like that. He’s been a shit boyfriend ever since Seb has arrived. And leaving him alone abruptly like that was just tip of the iceberg.

It is a lousy defense, but he swears he didn’t do that on purpose. Or to hurt Seb’s feelings. Actually Chris wasn't even listening to Seb’s positive pep talk today. He was too busy making himself more and more anxious by the second (exactly the thing Seb had cautioned him against)

And then when he felt like it was too much and he was drowning in, instead of asking Seb to hold his hand, pull him up, be there with him, Chris had chosen the coward’s way out. 

Ran away from his problems. It’s not the wisest decision. He knows.He could tell even in the moment itself. 

Sebastian wasn’t pleased with that either. Even though he had given Chris an understanding nod and a half-hearted smile, Seb hadn’t been able to resist himself from asking for a promise. A promise from Chris. To come back soon. To not wander off. Find his way back home. back to Sebastian.

How could he say no to that? Isn’t it in Chris’ very nature now? More of a subconscious response. To always find his way back to Seb. He needs to say that out loud though. Needs Sebastian to know just how much he means to Chris. 

All of this shitshow in the world, the tightest tensions, another disaster of a presidential run and campaigns, political scandals,protests, unnerving social issues, horrific incidents, depressing news and pandemics... Chris could survive through it all. But if and only if Seb is there by his side. Holding Chris’ hand every step of the way. Fingers intertwined. Just like one of their unplanned and spontaneous hiking trips. They’d conquer it all. Make it out well and fine. Alive and sound. Together.

Together. That’s the key word. Something he swears to never forget again. Enough of running away and trying to hide. They will obviously always have to deal with all of the problems, but not alone. Never alone. They have each other now.

Nothing’s perfect. There’s always struggle. And they’ve already chosen who they want to struggle with. Have become inseparable parts of each other. Chris doesn’t even know how to describe his life without Sebastian anymore. And instead of thinking about it here alone in the woods, he is going back to the house now and plans on apologizing to his wonderful boyfriend. Makeup for his mistakes, idiocy, the ignorance of the past three days. Beg and plead for another chance. A do over. 

Chris will make sure to not screw up this second chance. If Sebastian decides to give it to him, that is.

A small part of Chris is plagued by a different worry now. What if Sebastian is angry? Tired and done because of having to deal with Chris’ shit for so long now. Why should he? What if after Chris’ departure and half-ass explanations, Sebastian decided that he’s had enough. What if he is packing his bags at the moment and plans on leaving him behind? Sad and miserable in the big, empty house again.

Nope. That’s not true.

Sebastianwould never do that. He’s too kind, too nice and too much in love with Chris to be this cruel version of himself that Chris’s scared brain is making him out to be. It’s just the brain noise acting up again. It doesn’t have much to say that’s gonna help him.

Sshhhhh. Shhhh. Just shhh. He repeats the self-written mantra continuously. Hurries his steps towards the house. Dodger on his left, following through. Chris takes out the airpods/ airbuds...airpods, whatever they’re called out of his ear. He completely forgot about the music that was playing in his ear. Too busy thinking about his anxieties, about fears, but mostly about Sebastian. 

It’s alright, really. 

He just missed out on listening to the beautiful piece of art.

“Kenaston”. It is one of Chris’ favourite tracks. He finds it full of encouraging promises, new hope and playful flourishes. Blossoms and hints of beautiful, a little upbeat jazz backgrounds. It is beautiful and calming. Maybe not as obviously and thoroughly romantic, idyllic as 'Othello'. 

But still surprisingly soothing. Peaceful. Has a calming effect on him. Always. It didn’t work today though. Honestly, Chris didn’t listen to one note of the track. He’ll probably play it on repeat again, before going to sleep tonight. First though, he’s got to make things right. And he is going to. He’s going to apologize and make sure Seb never feels lost or hurt ever again. Not when they are together.

***

As closer he gets to the house, Chris' anxiety starts kicking in again. 

He wraps Dodger’s leash tighter around his palm. Breath hardening even though his lazy walk doesn’t even count as a physical exercise compared to the things and stuff he is used to doing. 

As if sensing his anxious worrisome thoughts, dodger snuggles in closer to him. Rubs his face in Chris’s worn out grey sweatpants. 

Trying to offer any and every sorts of comforts he can. Kind of reminds Chris of Sebastian’s attempts at calming his thoughts and brain noise down a while ago. His positivity. The stubborn will to stay optimistic even when things aren’t looking so good and perfect. Careful words and caresses that Chris had harshly turned down. Ran away from.

The guilt is heavy in his heart again. Suddenly overwhelming. Every step forward seems like another impossible task. Too tough and too difficult.

Chris gathers all of his courage though and keeps moving. Crosses the front gate. Moving across the lawn. He can hear faint noises. They’re not ‘noises’ though. Something that sounds much more like sophisticated tunes combined together. He chalks it up to the wind blowing through the trees. Mysterious singing coming from the deep forests.

When he climbs up on the patio though, he realizes the melody isn’t coming from some far away source.

It’s very much near him. In fact, he can recognise the tune. He should have since the very first moment he heard it. It’s ‘Kenaston’.The same piece of music he had been playing all this time and was too distracted to actually listen to.

For a second Chris’ already overloaded mind gets more confused and thinks the sound is coming from his own pocket. Maybe he didn’t turn off the song when he thought he did. He checks it again.But no. His phone isn’t playing any music. Maybe it came on the radio or something. Or Seb put it on from the internet to ease Chris’ mind. He is eternally grateful.

The melody is already swaying up to his brain and calming him down. When nothing else could. Music really does wonders with vanishing his anxieties. Just in a matter of a few seconds.

He opens the door, lets himself and dodger in and closes it back again. The warmth inside is a stark contrast to the chilly breeze he had been enduring for last twenty or so minutes. Quite poetic if you think about it, since those same words could also be used to precisely describe his feelings. The cold, bitter anxieties now covered up by reassurance and warm blankets of promises, hope. Love for Sebastian.

It’s better now. A whole lot better than before.

But nothing,

_nothing_ in the whole wide, ever-expanding universe is better than the sight that welcomes him after he turns back.

Because in the spacious left corner of the drawing room, in front of the Bösendorfer that he had been playing for quite a few years now, is sitting Sebastian.

His Seb. Sitting in front of a piano. Looking as handsome and radiant as always. All the previous hints of exhaustion, fatigue non-existent.

Chris has the most perfect view in the world right now. He can see a dreamy, floating look on Sebastian’s face. His beautiful, artistic, more precisely 'the model pianist’s hands' (that's what Chris has been calling them for ten years) swiftly moving across black and white keys.

His iphone lies on top of the piano, probably a reminder/ guide for the notes. 

Seb isn’t looking at it though. His eyes are closed. A small smile playing on his heavenly, enticing lips. Head thrown back, spine a bit arched, hips comfortably resting in the velvety seat. He is completely at ease. A natural. The notes and chords are perfect. Like he’s had years of experience and training. 

Chris doesn’t know if it’s because he is blinded by the overwhelming love he’s feeling right now, but this piece sounds so much better than all of the versions of the song he has heard before.

Maybe he’s wrong. Many connoisseurs of the world would wildly disagree with him on that flattering review full of nothing but praise. He doesn’t care.To him it's the best musical piece he has ever heard.

Chris is willing to take back his words from a few moments ago. Keanston sounds so much more romantic right now than Othello could ever hope to be.

It's like he's being swept off of his feet. 

_This is the most amorous song._

It’s now _their song._

Even though he has himself been playing the instrument for years, it never failed to amuse Chris how human fingers by just dancing around some fickle, delicately placed keys, could create such a soulful experience only by the means of wood, metal and vibrating air. 

He decides right then and there though. Nothing is more soulful and soothing than watching _Sebastian Stan_ play a piano. Completely lost in the music. The music he chose to play and indulge in _just for Chris._

The realization is making his heart sing along with the song.The melody and tunes Chris heard, the ones that calmed him down like nothing else in the world could, they weren’t a random replay on the radio. Not even an audio played from the internet.

They were from _this_ live performance. A concert that is organised and is taking place at the moment just for him. Courtesy of this beautiful man who is the love of Chris’ life.

Those magical ivory tunes, they came from Sebastian. Silent greetings and warm hugs sent and conveyed through musical notes. 

Chris stands leaning against the wall, doesn’t dare to make one single noise and continues staring in front without blinking an eye.Wanting to savour every little bit of this blessed experience.

His anxieties have calmed down completely. Not a single negative thought in his head. Only hope and dreams of a better tomorrow.The house doesn’t seem too big for two people and a dog anymore. 

All of that empty space, now it is filled with music. Crowded even. A very welcomed change. Melodies oozing out and dancing around in every corner.

Right here, right now, Chris is fully present. And he’s watching Sebastian. He doesn't need anything else. Doesn't want anything else.

Seb finally acknowledges his presence, turns his head sideways, still not stopping the music though.Continues playing. Fingers dancing along gracefully.

He flashes Chris one of his gorgeous, full smiles. The heartfelt, genuine kind which forms crinkles by his eyes and that adorable nose scrunch. Chris finds himself mirroring it.

Whatever solved-unsolved problems they had, don’t matter right now. Long forgotten.

This particular moment. _It’s perfect_. No words required. 

_The Ivory tunes have successfully managed to quieten their anxious minds._

At least for now.

  
*****

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 coming up soon


End file.
